Saturday, 20 August 2016

Dark and Full of Terrors

Let me tell you of the Night Tube.

The Night Tube is not like the regular tube. That would be like comparing the Sun to the Moon, or the Sun to the Sun on Sunday.

I rode the Night Tube, and I came out three inches taller, and with the ability to see in infra red and levitate slightly. Also, I now know the precise time and location where the apocalypse will begin.

When you arrive to take the Night Tube, the stations don't look like they do in the day. At 12:30am, the station manager presses a button, turning off the holographic projection that we are familiar with to reveal the station's true form, which looks roughly like the five dimensional tesseract that Matthew McConaughey discovers in the black hole at the end of Interstellar.

The regular tube employees end their shifts and are replaced by the Secret Order of the Custodians of the Night Tube, who wear black plate armour and wield plasma staffs. They stand perfectly still, with only a faint purple glow emanating from beneath their Dark Helms to suggest any sign of life.

The Night Tube trains appear similar to the regular tube trains, but their exterior is built of pure obsidian and there are no windows. Instead of arriving along the track, they materialise out of thin air at the platform edge.

When you get on the Night Tube, there are no seats. Instead, you are surrounded on all sides by the infinite void of space, and you find that you are completely weightless. Illumination is provided by the glow of countless spinning galaxies.

On the Night Tube, most people read a book or play games on their phone. No one talks to each other. The Night Tube is still in London.

The Night Tube remains motionless, and the destination comes to it.

Station stops on The Night Tube are announced by unknowable celestial beings, who connect briefly with the consciousness of each passenger. For some reason, their utterances are translated into human comprehension via the music of Hans Zimmer.

Sometimes the driver speaks over the intercom, reminding passengers that only the Central and Victoria lines are running.

The only interchange on the Night Tube is Oxford Circus. At night, the station is converted into a futuristic dive bar patronised by aliens of every description. Passengers can stop for a gargle blaster or two if they wish, or hear the latest tales from the never-ending war between the Shi'ar Imperium and the Scrulls. Occasionally fights break out between Starfleet personnel and mercenaries hired by the Ferengi.

When you arrive at your final stop, you cannot leave the Night Tube until you have passed the Trial of the Barriers. The first round is mortal combat against a champion chosen by the Night Queen. The second round is a series of riddles posed by the Dreaded Quinox. Finally you must look into the Heart of the Night itself and test your will against its. If you are found worthy, you may re-enter the world of men, but be warned: you will be changed forever. Many who have survived the Night Tube go to live as hermits in the wilderness, often around Surbiton for some reason.

The Night Tube has come, and the Dark comes with it.

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