The Great American Grid System

I recently had reason to walk up and down a lot of streets in America, with a list of addresses to knock on. Specifically, on the west side of Cleveland, Ohio. I found the experience kind of fascinating.

You know how when you hear American addresses they always have at least four digits in them? Like, say, 7606 Jefferson Avenue, or, you know, 1600 Pennsylvania. It's always bothered me - why do they have so many numbers? I mean, I know American streets are long but surely there's nowhere in the country with sixteen thousand separate addresses on the same street? Right?

Probably not. But what I learned in Cleveland is that there is in fact a wonderful genius to house number conventions in America.

In England, you start at one end of the street with house 1, and you keep going upwards to the end of the street - that's it. Most times the odd and even numbers are on separate sides of the street, but sometimes they're not - either way it's very easy to find where you're going.

In America this simply isn't good enough for them. Remember - streets stretch for many miles with hundreds of homes - if you were given an address in English format you could be driving up and down for a long time before you found your destination (longer if you're walking, which of course you're not, because America).

So to start with, American addresses are coded by block - this is the first two digits of the four-digit house number. Many US cities have street names that are literally numbers, but even where they aren't, each street is secretly coded a different number. So if you're cruising down Pennsylvania, you're meeting cross streets at the end of each block - when you cross 16th Street, all the houses suddenly start with 16 (in DC there's only one house on this block, but in other cities there might not be!).

Of course, it's complicated by the fact that many cross streets have names that aren't numbers - then the first two digits are less obvious, but they still go up by one at the end of each block. Plus, they may be coded differently according to which direction of the grid system they follow. In Cleveland, all streets going east-west have five digit addresses, like my office at 14600 Detroit Ave, while the north-south streets have regular four digit ones. The extra digit is simply a 1 at the beginning and only exists to tell you which direction the street is going.

Then there's another complication that the numbering convention also manages to account for: many streets never intersect with some of their cross streets. Certain blocks are much longer than others because a given cross street might dead-end somewhere and then restart further along the city, owing, I assume, to the vagaries of city planning. In these cases, at least in Cleveland, the house numbers will suddenly jump at the point in the street where you reach the phantom cross-street. So you will be going along from 3618, 3622, 3626 and suddenly you get 3700, 3704 and so on, seemingly for no reason. This filled me with great dismay for many days until I worked out that the sudden jumps corresponded exactly to the longitudinal or latitudinal degree along which 37th street lies (continuing this example) somewhere in the city - even though it doesn't actually intersect this street. This is super satisfying because it means that, theoretically, someone with perfect geographical omniscience could determine with horrifying accuracy the exact position of your house on the globe based solely on four digits and a street name.

You may have noticed in the above example that the house numbers along one side of the street go up in fours. Again - totally bizarre at first but there is in fact a brilliant method to the madness. In England they go up by twos because odds and evens face each other. And Cleveland is very strict about this rule as well. But in America there is a lot of space, and houses tend to be larger and detached - there are often luxurious lawns between them, even in impoverished neighbourhoods, and the houses themselves are so big that many sometimes get split into two flats.

So counting in fours is a precautionary measure. Often, extra addresses need to be inserted between two existing houses - either because one house has been split in two or because a new house has simply been built in the wide spaces between them. In these cases, a new address is needed, and the jumping by four allows for it - if you need to number a new house between 3618 and 3622, you can just call it 3620 and there is no need to resort to any of this 3618A letter nonsense you see in England.

A final point: American addresses are very good at being in the right place. If you're at number 3618, chances are the house directly across the street is 3617. If houses on one side space out or bunch up more than the other side, then certain numbers are omitted to make sure that everything stays in sync.

Who came up with this beautiful, if byzantine, set of rules and systems for house naming I do not know - it's like they speak directly to my obsessive compulsive soul. What it perhaps reflects is a deep rooted Protestant bureaucracy in the country's founding DNA, the same neurotic impulse that lies at the heart of, um, racism and discrimination, the need for all things to be in their right places. But I will note that while the system itself is rigid, it also offers opportunities for more creative expression: the actual numbers on the houses are displayed in a wide variety of forms and fonts, occasionally hinting at artistic yearnings begging to be let loose. In England, the printed numerals are all discrete and uniform, but the system as a whole wanders hopelessly without the slightest ambition towards science or precision.

So we have the great American Grid System, laid atop the atomic populace like a glass sheet over neat rows of lifeless - but glorious - butterflies, each entirely unique. And one more thing: everybody in Ohio has a dog. Everybody. If that's not a sign of a very serious maladjustment at the core of American society I don't know what is.

Dark and Full of Terrors

Let me tell you of the Night Tube.

The Night Tube is not like the regular tube. That would be like comparing the Sun to the Moon, or the Sun to the Sun on Sunday.

I rode the Night Tube, and I came out three inches taller, and with the ability to see in infra red and levitate slightly. Also, I now know the precise time and location where the apocalypse will begin.

When you arrive to take the Night Tube, the stations don't look like they do in the day. At 12:30am, the station manager presses a button, turning off the holographic projection that we are familiar with to reveal the station's true form, which looks roughly like the five dimensional tesseract that Matthew McConaughey discovers in the black hole at the end of Interstellar.

The regular tube employees end their shifts and are replaced by the Secret Order of the Custodians of the Night Tube, who wear black plate armour and wield plasma staffs. They stand perfectly still, with only a faint purple glow emanating from beneath their Dark Helms to suggest any sign of life.

The Night Tube trains appear similar to the regular tube trains, but their exterior is built of pure obsidian and there are no windows. Instead of arriving along the track, they materialise out of thin air at the platform edge.

When you get on the Night Tube, there are no seats. Instead, you are surrounded on all sides by the infinite void of space, and you find that you are completely weightless. Illumination is provided by the glow of countless spinning galaxies.

On the Night Tube, most people read a book or play games on their phone. No one talks to each other. The Night Tube is still in London.

The Night Tube remains motionless, and the destination comes to it.

Station stops on The Night Tube are announced by unknowable celestial beings, who connect briefly with the consciousness of each passenger. For some reason, their utterances are translated into human comprehension via the music of Hans Zimmer.

Sometimes the driver speaks over the intercom, reminding passengers that only the Central and Victoria lines are running.

The only interchange on the Night Tube is Oxford Circus. At night, the station is converted into a futuristic dive bar patronised by aliens of every description. Passengers can stop for a gargle blaster or two if they wish, or hear the latest tales from the never-ending war between the Shi'ar Imperium and the Scrulls. Occasionally fights break out between Starfleet personnel and mercenaries hired by the Ferengi.

When you arrive at your final stop, you cannot leave the Night Tube until you have passed the Trial of the Barriers. The first round is mortal combat against a champion chosen by the Night Queen. The second round is a series of riddles posed by the Dreaded Quinox. Finally you must look into the Heart of the Night itself and test your will against its. If you are found worthy, you may re-enter the world of men, but be warned: you will be changed forever. Many who have survived the Night Tube go to live as hermits in the wilderness, often around Surbiton for some reason.

The Night Tube has come, and the Dark comes with it.

FILM CRIT HULK RESPONSE: THE TRUE MEANING OF A COMIC BOOK MOVIE

THE GREATEST CRITIC OF OUR TIME, FILM CRIT HULK TAUGHT ME PRETTY MUCH EVERYTHING I KNOW ABOUT CINEMA AND - MORE IMPORTANTLY - THE CRAFT OF STORYTELLING. ONE OF THE MANY, MANY THINGS I APPRECIATE ABOUT HIS WORK, HOWEVER, IS THAT I ONLY AGREE WITH HIM ABOUT 90% OF THE TIME. THE THINGS THAT WE DISAGREE ABOUT ARE OFTEN PARTICULARLY REVEALING AND INTERESTING TO ME, FORCING INTROSPECTION AND ANALYSIS THAT I WOULDN'T OTHERWISE HAVE ATTEMPTED, ALWAYS RESULTING IN GREATER UNDERSTANDING OF THE ISSUES.

RECENTLY HULK POSTED ABOUT THE VITAL DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MAD MAX: FURY ROAD AND THE REVENANT, AND IT WAS... PERFECT. SIMPLY A JOY TO READ, EXPERTLY CAPTURING THE ELEMENTS OF THESE MOVIES THAT ILLUSTRATE HOW AND WHY WE MAKE COMPELLING STORIES. IT WAS POSSIBLY THE MOST INSIGHTFUL EXAMINATION OF MODERN CINEMA I HAVE EVER READ.

BUT THEN EVEN MORE RECENTLY HULK POSTED A PIECE THAT FITS INTO THE 10% OF DISAGREEMENT (HONESTLY IT MIGHT BE MORE LIKE 5 OR 3%). CIVIL WAR, SPIDER-MAN 2, And The Dangers Of Assumed Empathy. FOR ONCE I HAVE DECIDED TO GET OFF MY ASS AND HARNESS THE CREATIVITY THE HULK ALWAYS INSPIRES FOR ME. HERE I INTEND TO DO TWO THINGS: 1. ATTEMPT A DANGEROUS AND ILL-CONCEIVED HOMAGE TO THE STYLE AND THOUGHTFULNESS OF A FILM CRIT HULK "SMASH", AND 2. TRY TO RESPOND TO SOME OF THE THINGS I DID NOT AGREE WITH IN THE CIVIL WAR ARTICLE. I'M GOING TO ARROGANTLY ASSUME THE MANTLE OF RED FILM CRIT HULK BECAUSE A) RED HULK CAME AFTER, B) RED HULK WILL ALWAYS LOSE TO REAL HULK IN THE END AND C) RED HULK OWES EVERYTHING HE IS TO REAL HULK.

1. "PHASE TWO"

SO MUCH OF HULK'S CIVIL WAR ARTICLE WOULD BE FIXED - FOR RED HULK'S TASTES - IF HE SUBSTITUTED MOST INSTANCES OF THE PHRASE "PHASE TWO" FOR "AGE OF ULTRON AND CIVIL WAR".

HONESTLY, RED HULK WAS HORRIFIED BY THIS LINE:

THERE'S A REASON HULK CAN BARELY REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENS IN MOST OF THE PHASE TWO / THREE MOVIES AND HULK'S SEEN SOME OF THEM MULTIPLE TIMES.

HE CAN'T REMEMBER MOST OF THE PHASE TWO MOVIES?! THIS IS A COLLECTION THAT INCLUDES GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY, PROBABLY THE MOST INNOVATIVE AND CLEARLY STORY-DRIVEN SUPERHERO MOVIE EVER. A MOVIE THAT MATCHES IF NOT SURPASSES THE AVENGERS IN MASTERFULLY CRAFTED AND WELL-EARNED "TEAMWORK!" MOMENTS - HULK HIMSELF ATTESTED AT LENGTH HOW WELL THE "DELIGHTFUL" ASPECTS OF THE COMEDY WORK SYMBIOTICALLY TO FURTHER THE DRAMA OF THE STORY.

AND DO NOT TELL RED HULK THAT GUARDIANS IS THE EXCEPTION. WITNESS IRON MAN 3, A MOVIE THAT COULD ALMOST HAVE BEEN MADE IN DIRECT RESPONSE TO THE CRITIQUE OF HULK'S CIVIL WAR COLUMN. IS IT DELIGHTFUL? YOU BET! DOES THE DELIGHTFULNESS EXIST ONLY ON THE SURFACE LEVEL, BELYING A VOID WHERE THE CORE OF THE STORY SHOULD BE? ABSOLUTELY NOT - THE FILM TAKES AN ESTABLISHED CHARACTER AND CONFRONTS HIM WITH THE DIRECT CONSEQUENCES OF HIS CHOICES. THE MOVIE IS ABOUT THE VERY ESSENCE OF DRAMA (AS HULK DEFINES IT) - CAUSES HAVE CLEAR AND HARD-HITTING EFFECTS. EVERYTHING IS AT STAKE, AT BOTH THE INTENSELY PERSONAL AND THE GRANDER "END OF THE WORLD" LEVELS. THE THEME OF PAYING FOR MISTAKES IS ARTICULATED THROUGH EVERY PART OF THE FILM'S STRUCTURE, FROM THE STRAW-MAN VILLAIN TO THE OPENING AND CLOSING VOICE-OVERS.

BUT THE REST OF PHASE TWO IS CRAP, RIGHT? WRONG. FOR ALL ITS FAULTS, THOR: THE DARK WORLD DOES MUCH OF THE STORYTELLING 101 STUFF ABSOLUTELY RIGHT: STAKES, URGENCY AND GOALS DRIVE THE THING FROM START TO FINISH. YES THE VILLAIN IS CRAP, BUT MANY OF THE OTHER CHARACTERS GET FASCINATING LITTLE ARCS OF THEIR OWN, WITHOUT GETTING IN-YOUR-FACE (IN FACT, THE MOMENT THAT WORKS LEAST WELL FOR RED HULK IS ACTUALLY A SIGNIFICANT CHARACTER'S DEATH - EXACTLY WHAT HULK CLAIMS THERE IS NOT ENOUGH OF).

THEN THERE IS THE WINTER SOLDIER. RED HULK IS SORRY, BUT THIS MOVIE IS A HUNDRED TIMES BETTER AT STORY THAN THE FIRST CAP MOVIE (RED HULK LIKES THE ORIGINAL, BUT DOES NOT THINK IT IS ANYWHERE NEAR AS STRONG AS REAL HULK DOES). WHERE CAP 1 SETS UP THE CHARACTER, CAP 2 REALLY GETS TO THE CORE OF WHO THIS GUY IS. WHAT HE IS WILLING TO DO FOR HIS IDEALS. WHAT HE IS WILLING TO SACRIFICE. THE EFFECT HE CAN HAVE ON HARDENED CHARACTERS LIKE FURY AND ROMANOFF. EVEN ON THE ULTRA-HARDENED WINTER SOLDIER HIMSELF (MORE ON BUCKY SOON). LET'S BE CLEAR: WHEN IT COMES TO CAPTAIN AMERICA MAKING CONSEQUENTIAL/DRAMATIC DECISIONS, HE'S ONLY EVER GOING TO DECIDE TO DO WHAT'S RIGHT. WHICH MEANS THAT DRAMA HAS TO COME FROM THE PRICE HE PAYS FOR THIS - AND THAT OTHERS COULD END UP PAYING TOO. SO THE WINTER SOLDIER TAKES EVERYTHING FROM CAP IN THE WORST WAY POSSIBLE - EVERYTHING HE BELIEVED IN WAS A SHAM. IN TERMS OF MAINSTREAM SUPERHERO MOVIES, IT'S UNPRECEDENTED AND IT WORKS.

FINALLY, WE HAVE ANT MAN. I'M NOT GOING TO SPEND LONG ON THIS, SUFFICE TO SAY THAT ANY PRAISE ONE MIGHT SING FOR CAP 1 CAN BE EQUALLY APPLIED TO ANT MAN - IT'S FUNCTIONAL. THE FINAL ACT IS A GREAT "THREATEN TO KILL THE PUPPY" PIECE THAT DOES WHAT IT SAYS ON THE TIN. NOT THE MOST BRILLIANT STORY EVER BUT CERTAINLY ENGAGING AND DEFINITELY OPERATING ON MORE THAN JUST THE SURFACE-LEVEL "BE DELIGHTFUL" STUFF HULK IS TALKING ABOUT.

PHASE TWO CONSISTS OF SIX MOVIES, ONE OF WHICH RED HULK WOULD CALL A STONE-COLD MASTERPIECE OF THE GENRE; THERE ARE FOUR OTHERS RANGING FROM "GOOD" TO "EXCELLENT", BUT ALL DEFINITELY MEMORABLE IN THEIR OWN RIGHT. AND THEN FINALLY THERE'S AVENGERS: AGE OF ULTRON. HULK'S CIVIL WAR COLUMN IS A PERFECT TAKE-DOWN OF THIS LATTER MOVIE. WHAT'S UPSETTING IS THAT HE BLANKET-APPLIES THE SAME CRITIQUE TO ALL THE OTHERS AS IF THEY'RE THE SAME THING. FOR SOMEONE USUALLY SO NUANCED, THIS IS A BIZARRE AND COMPLETELY LEFT-FIELD MOVE THAT IS, RED HULK IS AFRAID, VERY MISLEADING.

RED HULK MIGHT ALSO AGREE THE COLUMN WORKS FOR CIVIL WAR ITSELF, WITH SOME IMPORTANT CAVEATS.

2. PEOPLE AND PROPS

RED HULK FINDS HULK'S INSISTENCE ON THE NEED FOR BETTER CHARACTERISATION OF BUCKY PUZZLING. YES, WE HAVE LITTLE REASON TO CARE ABOUT BUCKY HIMSELF, BEYOND THE NATURAL DESIRE TO SYMPATHISE WITH SOMEONE WHO'S BEEN FORCED TO DO EVIL AGAINST THEIR WILL. BUT THE CHARACTER IS SO PATENTLY NOT INTENDED TO BE CARED ABOUT. HE'S A PROP, BUT HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE A PROP. HE COULD BE REPLACED WITH, RED HULK DOESN'T KNOW, MAYBE CAP'S MOTHER'S PEARL NECKLACE?

NO EMPATHY IS ASSUMED FOR BUCKY. WE'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO CARE HE MIGHT DIE OR WHATEVER BAD THING MIGHT HAPPEN TO HIM. HE IS MERELY AN OBJECT THAT FACILITATES US CARING ABOUT OTHER CHARACTERS. WE CARE THAT TONY MIGHT BECOME A MURDERER BECAUSE OF BUCKY. IN THE CHASE SEQUENCE WITH BLACK PANTHER, TENSION DOESN'T COME FROM DANGER TO BUCKY, IT COMES FROM THE ENORMOUS CONSEQUENCES WE CAN SEE ARE ABOUT TO BEFALL CAP FOR HELPING HIM. IN THE APARTMENT, WHEN THE SWAT TEAM ARE MOVING INTO POSITION, THERE IS NO SENSE THAT EITHER CHARACTER COULD BE PHYSICALLY HURT - YET RED HULK WAS ON THE EDGE OF HIS SEAT, BEGGING FOR CAP TO GET OUT OF THERE, COS IF HE'S CAUGHT THEN HE IS, AS RHODEY SAYS, A CRIMINAL. AND THAT'S A GENUINELY WORRYING THOUGHT FOR A CHARACTER LIKE CAP, WHO DOES EVERYTHING TO UPHOLD WHAT'S GOOD. BUT NO - CAP MAKES A DECISION AND STICKS TO IT, AND THE HEART-WRENCHING CONSEQUENCES DO INDEED BEFALL HIM.

RED HULK BELIEVES THE RUSSO BROTHERS HAVE USED BUCKY MASTERFULLY. IN EVERY SCENE HE APPEARS, BUCKY SERVES CLEAR DRAMATIC PURPOSE. HE FORCES CHARACTERS TO MAKE TOUGH CHOICES. HE THEMATICALLY EMBODIES CAP'S WORST NIGHTMARE - THE CORRUPTION OF THE GOOD OLD DAYS. THE DIFFICULTY OF CONTINUING TO FIGHT THE GOOD FIGHT IN THE FACE OF THIS. IN CARING ABOUT THIS LAST VESTIGE OF A LOST WORLD, CAP REVEALS HIS HEART. WHEN CAP SAYS "HE'S MY FRIEND" AND TONY RESPONDS "SO WAS I" - WE SEE THAT ALL OF CAP'S SPECIFIC BATTLES IN THE MODERN DAY ARE AS NOTHING COMPARED TO WHAT HE FEELS HE HAD ONCE UPON A TIME. HE WILL ALWAYS PICK BUCKY OVER HIS MODERN-DAY FRIENDS BECAUSE BUCKY IS CAP. GIVING BUCKY HIS OWN SEPARATE CHARACTER WOULD BE UTTERLY NON-SENSICAL.

IT SEEMS WEIRD TO HAVE TO SAY THIS: NOT EVERY HUMAN IN A MOVIE IS A CHARACTER. ARISTOTLE DEFINED CHARACTER AS "that which reveals decision" - IT'S NOT THE PERSON HERSELF WHO MATTERS, BUT HER DRAMATIC ESSENCE. THE CHANGING THROUGH CHOICES. AND CLEARLY IN ANY MOVIE THERE ARE ONLY SO MANY DRAMATICALLY ENGAGED INDIVIDUALS THAT CAN BE SUSTAINED. THERE ARE ALWAYS GOING TO BE MORE HUMANS THAN CHARACTERS. IT'S A FALLACY TO BELIEVE THAT EVERY FICTIONAL PERSON ON SCREEN NEEDS TO HAVE THEIR OWN DEVELOPMENT, THAT THE AUDIENCE NEEDS TO REALLY CARE ABOUT EACH AND EVERY PERSON. RED HULK DOESN'T BELIEVE HULK BELIEVES THIS HIMSELF. HECK, LOOK AT SPIDER-MAN 2, WHICH RED HULK COMPLETELY AGREES IS EXCELLENT. SEVERAL MAJOR CHARACTERS ARE SIMPLY PROPS - AUNT MAY, OCTAVIUS' WIFE, JONAH JAMESON, THE LANDLORD'S DAUGHTER, PROBABLY EVEN MARY JANE. MARY JANE DOES HAVE A LITTLE BIT OF DEVELOPMENT, BUT MOSTLY WE DON'T CARE ABOUT HER FOR HER OWN SAKE, WE CARE ABOUT PETER'S (NON-)RELATIONSHIP WITH HER.

THERE IS NO NEED FOR EVERY PERSON IN A FILM TO BE ROUNDED AND DEVELOPED. BUCKY WORKS MAGNIFICENTLY AS A PROP. TRYING TO GIVE HIM HIS OWN ARC WOULD ONLY DETRACT FROM THE REAL STORY.

3. THE STORY OF CIVIL WAR

IT FEELS LIKE TOTAL SACRILEGE TO SAY THIS, BUT RED HULK BELIEVES THAT REAL HULK IS FALLING FOR HIS OWN TANGIBLE DETAILS TRAP. PICKING OUT THINGS LIKE BUCKY BARNES, THE INFINITY STONES, AND ANT MAN'S INCLUSION AND SOMEHOW POINTING TO THEM AS EVIDENCE OF A FAILURE OF STORYTELLING. THAT'S A VERY RARE INSTANCE OF POOR CRITICISM ON HULKS PART. THESE ARE ALL THINGS THAT WOULD NOT BE PROBLEMATIC IN THE LEAST IF THE REAL STORY ISSUES WERE WORKING FINE.

THE TRUTH IS THAT WHEN IT CAME TO AGE OF ULTRON AND CIVIL WAR - HUGE ENSEMBLE PIECES BY RETURNING DIRECTORS - MARVEL WENT CONSERVATIVE, OPTING TO OVERRIDE CREATIVE INSTINCTS IN ORDER TO RETAIN THE SAFER "MAKE THE AUDIENCE FEEL GOOD" APPROACH THAT HULK OUTLINES. THIS IS THE REAL PROBLEM. BUT UNLIKE AGE OF ULTRON, WHICH MAINTAINS ONLY A VENEER OF FUNCTIONALITY, CIVIL WAR DOES ACTUALLY HAVE MANY MOVING PARTS THAT WORK.

MARVEL IS A FILM STUDIO THAT IS TRYING TO REPLICATE A STORYTELLING PROCESS DESIGNED FOR COMIC BOOKS. IT INTRODUCES CHARACTERS OVER TIME, BUILDING UP EMPATHY AND FAMILIARITY SO THAT THESE DO NOT HAVE BE CREATED FROM SCRATCH WITH EACH NEW INSTALMENT. WHILE IT IS POSSIBLE TO DO BIG DRAMA FOR A SPECIFIC CHARACTER WITH A MAJOR ARC, MOST OF THE STORYTELLING IN AN ENSEMBLE COMIC COMES AT A MUCH LESS "GRAND" SCALE. CHARACTERS CAN SEE IMPORTANT AND MOVING DEVELOPMENT OVER THE COURSE OF JUST A FEW PAGES, OR SOMETIMES PANELS. OFTEN, DOZENS OF DIFFERENT BALLS ARE BEING JUGGLED AS EACH CHARACTER'S MOTIVATION PLAYS OFF THAT OF ALL THE OTHERS. AND THESE SMALLER STORIES ARE THEN THEMATICALLY LINKED OR TIED TOGETHER IN A LARGER CONFLICT.

CIVIL WAR MAY NOT BE THE GREATEST EXAMPLE OF THIS KIND OF STORYTELLING, BUT IT'S NOT ENTIRELY A FAILURE EITHER. IT JUGGLES ALL ITS BALLS MUCH MORE ADEPTLY THAN AGE OF ULTRON, NATURALLY WEAVING STORIES RATHER THAN FORCING THEM INTO PLACES WHERE THERE IS NO DRAMATIC SUPPORT. CONSIDER THE CHARACTERS THAT HAVE A STORY IN THIS MOVIE: BLACK PANTHER AND SPIDER-MAN, AS HULK SAYS, GET EXCELLENT TREATMENT FOR THEIR INTRODUCTIONS. BLACK WIDOW FINALLY GETS SOME DIFFICULT CHOICES TO MAKE, CHANGING AS A CHARACTER AS A RESULT OF THE CONSEQUENCES SHE EXPERIENCES FROM THESE DECISIONS (SHE STARTS SEEKING STABILITY AND BY THE END HAS REALISED SHE IS WILLING PRIORITISE HER OWN TEAM EVEN IF IT MAKES THINGS DIFFICULT). SCARLET WITCH AND VISION ARE ACTUALLY WELL-ARTICULATED, RATHER THAN FORCED AS HULK CLAIMS. BOTH HAVE TO MAKE DECISIONS THAT DEFINE THE TYPE OF PERSON THEY WANT TO BE, AGAIN AT PERSONAL COST, AND COMPLICATED BY THEIR OBVIOUS MUTUAL AFFECTION. ANT MAN IS HARMLESS COMIC RELIEF. FALCON AND WAR MACHINE ARE ADMITTEDLY JUST WINDOW DRESSING, BUT LIKE BUCKY, THEIR LACK OF DEVELOPMENT IS NOT HARMFUL - IT WOULD HAVE BEEN FAR WORSE TO GIVE THEM SOME PERSONAL STORY THAT FEELS EMPTY OR FORCED.

HULK HAS ENTIRELY MISSED THE POINT OF THE AIRPORT FIGHT. FIRSTLY, RED HULK DOES NOT KNOW HOW, BUT HULK SEEMS TO HAVE COMPLETELY FAILED TO NOTICE THE URGENCY THAT IS PRESENT, AND CLEARLY SIGNPOSTED THROUGHOUT. CAP'S TEAM IS TRYING TO REACH THE QUINJET IN ORDER TO FIGHT THE REAL ENEMY - THE OTHER WINTER SOLDIERS. AT SEVERAL MOMENTS THE TIME-SENSITIVE NATURE OF THIS MISSION IS UNDERLINED, MEANING THAT THE OBSTACLE REPRESENTED BY TONY'S TEAM IS REALLY QUITE IMPACTFUL - AT LEAST THAT'S HOW RED HULK EXPERIENCED IT. RED HULK FELT A LOT OF TENSION IN THE NEED TO TIE UP THE FIGHT AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE.

NOT ONLY IS THERE REAL URGENCY FOR THE OVERALL FIGHT, BUT EACH BEAT OF THE ACTION MASTERFULLY CREATES ITS OWN MICRO-STORIES. AGAIN, THE INFLUENCE OF COMIC BOOK ACTION STRUCTURES IS VERY CLEAR; YOU CAN ALMOST SEE THE PANELS. EACH PAIRING OF COMBATANTS TELLS ITS OWN MINI-DRAMA. EACH BEAT IS BASED ON ITS OWN "LITTLE STORY", AS HULK ONCE DESCRIBED THE TRAIN FIGHT IN CAP 1. SPIDEY WEBS UP FALCON; FALCON KNOCKS HIM OUT THE WINDOW WITH AN UNEXPECTED REDWING. OR: BLACK PANTHER TRIES TO GET PAST GIANT MAN; IS MET BY STAFF-WIELDING HAWKEYE WHO INTRODUCES HIMSELF. RESPONSE: "I DON'T CARE". RED HULK COULD BASICALLY LIST EVERY BEAT IN THE FIGHT AS AN INSTANCE OF PERFECT CHARACTERISATION AND DRAMATIC USE OF CAUSE AND EFFECT.

HULK CHALKS UP THESE MOMENTS AS BEING GREAT CHARACTER MOMENTS WITHOUT THE SUBSTANCE TO MAKE THEM GREAT STORY MOMENTS. RED HULK AGREES THAT THIS IS AN IMPORTANT DISTINCTION, AND THERE ARE MANY PLACES IN THE FILM (AND EVEN MORE IN AGE OF ULTRON) WHERE RED HULK BELIEVES IT'S A VALID POINT. BUT WHEN YOU HAVE A SET PIECE SECOND ACT FIGHT (WHICH IS GOING TO HAPPEN NO MATTER WHAT) THAT IS ALREADY SERVING ITS OWN LARGER STORY PURPOSES, THEN YOU HAVE TO CHOREOGRAPH THE VARIOUS ELEMENTS OF THAT FIGHT AS DRAMATICALLY AS POSSIBLE. AND RED HULK BELIEVES THAT INSTEAD OF COMPLAINING, WE SHOULD BE THANKING MARVEL FOR MOVING AWAY FROM THE MICHAEL BAY STYLE THAT WAS SO POPULAR IN EVERY ACTION MOVIE UNTIL RECENTLY, AND TOWARDS SOMETHING THAT ACTUALLY LOOKS A LOT MORE LIKE FURY ROAD - CLARITY AND PURPOSE IN EVERY BEAT. AS FAR AS RED HULK CAN SEE, THE ALTERNATIVE TO THESE GREAT CHARACTER MOMENTS IS SIMPLY THE UTTER BLANDNESS OF THE BATMAN VS SUPERMAN FINALE.

OF COURSE THAT DOESN'T MEAN THAT CONSTRUCTING A GOOD FIGHT CAN REPLACE THE NEED FOR A STRONG UNDERLYING STORY THAT MOTIVATES THE FIGHT IN THE FIRST PLACE. BUT THAT MOTIVATION DOESN'T HAVE TO BE THE MOST PROFOUND THING IN THE UNIVERSE - THERE MERELY NEEDS TO BE GOALS, URGENCY AND STAKES, SAME AS ALWAYS. HULK TREATS THE AIRPORT SCENE LIKE THE WHOLE MOVIE IS RESTING ON ITS ABILITY TO ARTICULATE THE TWO MAIN CHARACTERS' INNER STRUGGLE - WHEN IN FACT THE SCENE IS TRYING TO ACHIEVE NO SUCH THING. RATHER, IT'S DRAMATISING THE COMING-TO-A-HEAD OF VARIOUS STORY LINES WHILE PROPELLING THESE CONFLICTS TOWARDS A SHARED RESOLUTION. THAT'S WHAT A SECOND ACT SET-PIECE IS SUPPOSED TO DO, AND IT DOES.

RED HULK AGREES THAT THE RHODEY GETTING HURT THING IS ILL-JUDGED, BUT RED HULK BELIEVES IT IS A RED HERRING. THE SCENE WORKS WITHOUT IT.

WHAT RED HULK GETS EVEN LESS, HOWEVER, IS REAL HULK'S TAKE ON THE FINAL FIGHT. HE SAYS THE MOTIVATION HERE "FEELS UNSUBSTANTIATED ON A DRAMATIC LEVEL OTHER THAN BASIC FORESHADOWING". RED HULK DOES NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT MORE HULK COULD POSSIBLY WANT HERE. THERE IS AN ENTIRE FLASHBACK SCENE AT THE BEGINNING WITH TONY'S PARENTS WHERE IT'S MADE COMPLETELY CLEAR JUST HOW MUCH THEY MEANT TO HIM - HOW THEY REPRESENT ALL HIS DEEPEST INSECURITIES AND REGRETS. HOW MUCH HE STILL RAGES AGAINST THEIR LOSS. IT SEEMS SO WEIRD THAT HULK IS NOT SEEING THIS. RED HULK FELT MASSIVE EMPATHY FROM THE AUDIENCE RED HULKED WATCHED WITH. WHEN BUCKY WAS REVEALED TO HAVE KILLED THEM, RED HULK HEARD AN AUDIBLE GASP ACROSS THE THEATRE. IT'S IMMEDIATELY FELT BY EVERY VIEWER EXACTLY HOW POWERFUL A MOMENT THIS IS. AND YES, THE "HE KILLED MY MOM" LINE DOES DRIVE IT EVEN FURTHER HOME. IN RED HULK'S OPINION, ANY EXTRA "WHY DOES THIS MATTER" MATERIAL INCLUDED IN THE MOVIE WOULD HAVE BEEN POOR STORY ECONOMY - IT'S ALREADY DONE EVERYTHING THAT'S NEEDED. SIMILARLY, WHEN CAP HAMMERS HIS SHIELD INTO TONY'S ARMOUR, RED HULK DOES NOT SEE HOW THIS COULD BE ANY MORE DRAMATICALLY POWERFUL. IT'S NOT JUST EMPTY SYMBOLISM. THESE ARE TWO ALLIES, WHO WE HAVE SEEN FIGHT MANY BATTLES TOGETHER. AND ONE IS CLAWING OUT THE LIFE-FORCE OF THE OTHER. IT'S BRUTAL. AGAIN, AUDIENCE MEMBERS RED HULK HAS TALKED TO ALL SAID THE ENDING WAS INCREDIBLY DARK.

RED HULK IS NOT ARGUING THESE SCENES ARE FLAWLESS. RED HULK MERELY THINKS THAT HULK IS BEING WAY OVER-HARSH.

4. MOVIE AS COMIC BOOK.

AT THE VERY START OF HULK'S COLUMN WE READ:

NOW, IT'S NOT AS IF CAPTAIN AMERICA: CIVIL WAR ISN'T "TRYING," FOR IT'S OBVIOUSLY TRYING IN THE WAY THAT ALL BIG HOLLYWOOD MOVIES TRY.

RED HULK IMMEDIATELY FELT A DISSONANCE WHEN HE READ THIS. CIVIL WAR DIDN'T FEEL LIKE IT WAS "TRYING" TO RED HULK. RED HULK IS MUCH MORE INCLINED TO AGREE WITH OTHERS WHO HAVE SAID THAT THE MOVIE FELT SELF-ASSURED, BREEZILY CONFIDENT, COMPLETELY LACKING THE NERVOUS, SELF-CONSCIOUS ATTITUDE OF AGE OF ULTRON. IF ANYTHING, RED HULK FELT IT WASN'T TRYING ENOUGH, PRECISELY BECAUSE IT WAS TOO CONFIDENT IN ITS ABILITY TO PLEASE CROWDS IN ALL THE TROUBLING WAYS THAT HULK DESCRIBES.

AND IF IT ISN'T ALREADY CLEAR, RED HULK DOES CERTAINLY SEE A PROBLEM EMERGING IN MARVEL'S ATTITUDE TO ITS ENSEMBLE MOVIES. IT HAS ALWAYS BEEN AND WILL REMAIN A MONEY-MAKING MACHINE, AND THE TEMPTATION TO MINIMISE RISK BY SACRIFICING STORY TO ENSURE GOOD FEELS WILL NOT GO AWAY. NEVERTHELESS, RED HULK ARDENTLY BELIEVES IT'S FOOLISH TO CONDEMN WHAT IT'S DONE SO FAR, AND EVEN MORE FOOLISH TO BELIEVE THAT HAS EMBARKED ON AN INEVITABLE DESCENT INTO THE STORY-LESS ABYSS.

THE CLAIM THAT "MARVEL PROCEEDED TO STOP TELLING STORIES" IS SIMPLY LAUGHABLE, WHEN YOU LOOK AT MOST OF THE PHASE TWO MOVIES.

IF CIVIL WAR HAD BEEN RELEASED FIVE YEARS AGO, IT WOULD HAVE BEEN HAILED AS THE GREATEST SUPERHERO STORY EVER TOLD. BEFORE THE AVENGERS, MOST - CERTAINLY RED HULK - CONSIDERED IT IMPOSSIBLE TO MAKE A MOVIE WITH SUCH RIDICULOUS QUANTITY OF MAJOR CHARACTERS AND CROSSOVERS. THE FACT THAT IT'S NOT A TOTAL ANC COMPLETE DISASTER IS AN EXTRAORDINARY TESTAMENT TO MARVEL'S CREATIVE VISION (AND ALSO ITS CYBORG VISION....SORRY).

WE NEED TO ASK OURSELVES: WHY HAS MARVEL SUCCEEDED SO SPECTACULARLY WHERE EVERY OTHER STUDIO HAS FAILED OR NOT EVEN DARED TO TRY? JUST LOOK AT THE X-MEN FILMS. NOW THERE'S A FRANCHISE WHERE EMPATHY IS REALLY ASSUMED. AND YET IN THE COMICS, X-MEN WORK GREAT! MANY OF MARVEL'S GREATEST STORIES ARE TOLD WITH X-MEN CHARACTERS, WHILE FOX'S ARE TEPID AND VACUOUS.

MARVEL MOVIES ARE RUN BY KEVIN FEIGE AND HIS TEAM - THESE ARE PEOPLE WHO KNOW HOW TO PLEASE AUDIENCES, BUT THEY ARE ALSO COMIC NERDS. WHEREAS DC SOLD THEIR RIGHTS TO WARNER BROTHERS AND AS A CONSEQUENCE ITS UNIVERSE IS NOW BEING MANUFACTURED BY STUDIO EXECUTIVES WHO DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO MAKE A DECENT CAMEO SET-UP. FOX MANAGES X-MEN AS IF IT WERE FAST AND FURIOUS.

THE LESSON IS: CREATING A LONG-RUNNING FRANCHISE SET IN THE SAME UNIVERSE REQUIRES A DIFFERENT KIND OF STORYTELLING FROM A REGULAR MOVIE OR EVEN A SERIES OF MOVIE SEQUELS. YOU CAN'T SIMPLY FOLLOW A THREE ACT STRUCTURE AND HOPE FOR THE BEST. IF YOU'VE NEVER TOLD A COMIC BOOK STORY BEFORE, IT CAN TAKE SOME GETTING USED TO. THAT'S NOT TO SAY THAT THE PRINCIPLES OF STORYTELLING ARE FUNDAMENTALLY DIFFERENT - THEY'RE NOT AT ALL. INDEED, THE VERY SUCCESS OF COMIC BOOKS, AND OF MARVEL MOVIES' CO-OPTING OF THEIR STYLE, IS PREMISED ON THE DEEP-ROOTED, INTUITIVE UNDERSTANDING OF HOW CHARACTERS AND CONFLICT FUNDAMENTALLY OPERATE. BUT THE WAY KEY DRAMAS, CHOICES AND ARCS ARE STRUCTURED IS OFTEN MUCH MORE INTRICATE OR AT LEAST MULTI-LAYERED IN SHARED-UNIVERSE COMICS THAN IN A CONVENTIONAL 100-PAGE SCREENPLAY. 

MARVEL UNDERSTANDS THIS. ITS PHASE ONE FILMS WERE FAIRLY STRAIGHT-FORWARD ACTION MOVIES BECAUSE THEY WERE MERELY DEALING WITH A SINGLE, SELF-CONTAINED CHARACTER. THE AVENGERS BROUGHT THEM ALL TOGETHER IN A TEAM-BUILDING MOVIE. BUT SINCE THEN, MARVEL HAS REALLY SOUGHT TO FLESH-OUT NOT JUST THE CHARACTERS BUT THE STORY-TELLING WORLD THEY LIVE IN. THEY INTENTIONALLY SET UP MAJOR CHOICES THE CONSEQUENCES OF WHICH SPAN MORE THAN ONE MOVIE. THEY INTRODUCE SMALLER CHARACTERS WITHIN BIGGER MOVIES. THEY HAVE SUBSIDIARY STORIES THAT INTERWEAVE WITH LARGER SAGAS. LET'S BE CLEAR: MARVEL DIDN'T HAVE TO DO THIS. IT COULD HAVE PRODUCED A SERIES OF NEW MOVIES THAT GO BACK TO SEPARATE, STAND-ALONE WORLDS WITH STANDARD MOVIE STRUCTURES. THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN SAFER, IF LESS CROWD-PLEASING. BUT INSTEAD, MARVEL HAS COMMITTED TO EMBRACING THE ART OF COMIC BOOK STORY STRUCTURES. AND FOR THE MOST PART, IT'S DONE SO SKILFULLY, THOUGH NATURALLY IT IS NOT IMMUNE TO MISSTEPS.

THE POINT IS, NOT ONLY IS MARVEL CONTINUING TO TELL STORIES, IT'S TELLING THEM IN A WAY HOLLYWOOD HAS NEVER ATTEMPTED BEFORE. IT'S GENUINELY EXCITING AND ORIGINAL. INSTEAD OF DECRYING THE BLUNDERS, WE SHOULD SEE THEM AS PART OF A LEARNING PROCESS. THE PROJECT AS A WHOLE IS LIKELY TO GET STRONGER FOR THEM. AND WE SHOULD LOOK TO THE FUTURE. WHAT FILM CRIT HULK FAILS TO MENTION IN HIS ENTIRE ARTICLE IS THAT MARVEL HAS A SLATE OF PHASE THREE MOVIES LINED UP THAT SEEM ALMOST TAILOR-MADE TO ADDRESS THE SHORTCOMINGS OF THE LAST COUPLE OF BIG FILMS. SOLO TITLES LIKE DOCTOR STRANGE, BLACK PANTHER, SPIDER-MAN AND CAPTAIN MARVEL WILL ALL INTRODUCE NEW THEMES AND STORY STRUCTURES TO THE MCU. THE NETFLIX SERIES HAVE ALREADY DONE EXACTLY THAT. THOR 3 LOOKS SET TO BE RELATIVELY INNOVATIVE, AND JAMES GUNN IS LIKELY TO STEER THE GUARDIANS ON A SOUND COURSE. THERE'S EVERY CHANCE THAT THE RETURN OF THE ENSEMBLE IN INFINITY WAR WILL REVERT BACK TO RISK-AVERSE CROWD-PLEASING, BUT THE STUDIO AS A WHOLE LOOKS LIKE IT WILL CONTINUE TO GROW ITS STORY-TELLING CAPABILITIES IN WAYS THAT REALLY ARE STAGGERING WHEN YOU CONSIDER HOW HOLLYWOOD IS SUPPOSED TO WORK.

SO WHILE MARVEL CAN CERTAINLY DO BETTER THAN CIVIL WAR, IT IS NOT YET TIME TO ISSUE BLANKET STATEMENTS OF DESPAIR. FEAR THEE NOT, FRIEND HULK! AND WELL MET!

A lack of negative publicity

The Wikipedia twitter account has started posting awesome niche articles, almost like they know I'm watching. I can't resist a quick post about one from today.

Behold: Crush, Texas.

This glorious Wes Anderson movie event took place in the middle of nowhere in 1896. The details are too perfect:

A railway baron who was literally called Crush decided to hold a jolly, educational display in which he would crash two trains into each other as fast as possible. In response to this promise of true art, 40,000 people trekked into the desert to bear witness. The trains were smashed together, and the resulting blast killed a number of onlookers and injured several more.

A parable of humanity. A manifestation of pure irony. A fascinating historical insight. Today we have Michael Bay, but in the old days they had to pay - in blood, dammit - for their big pointless explosions.

But as ever, it's not the story itself that's my favourite part. It's the Wikipedia article. For starters, the opening is a masterclass in understated, Game-of-Thrones-style lulling into a false sense of security. The small detail of the gory denouement is relegated to one short sentence in the introduction (prefaced by the wonderfully deadpan "unexpectedly..."), and another even shorter one lost in the body of the article. The rest of the content entirely relates to details other than the fact that people died after willingly attending a literal train wreck.

We learn, for example, that the stunt was so well attended that the site was considered a temporary "city" with the second greatest population in the state. We learn the colours and makes of the trains involved, and that their crews had to be on board at the start to get them going, before leaping from the moving engines. We learn how high the enormous chunks of cast iron debris were forced into the air by the explosion ("hundreds of feet"). We learn which episode of the History Channel covered this breathtaking chapter in the history of human folly. We learn quite a lot about Scott Joplin's composition that commemorated the event.

We even learn this magnificent tidbit, which I think shines a light on today's american politics:

Crush was immediately fired from the Katy railroad. In light of a lack of negative publicity, however, he was rehired the next day

But at no point does the article dwell on the thought processes or chain of decisions that lead to, and apologies if I'm repeating myself here, a huge number of people thinking it would be a good idea to crash two pressurised steam engines together at high speed in close proximity to spectators.

And no one lost their job.

Totally worth it

After much soul searching, I'm finally ready to write something on the topic of the democratic primary - one of the most fascinating and important culture struggles of our day.

Here's the first thing I want to say: it depends a lot on how you think we can achieve gender equality. Everyone wants this, but there are different views on how to get it. For example, here is a fairly mainstream view:

• The government and major cultural institutions should make a big effort to throw off gendered norms and preconceptions of the past and thus work towards a world in which women are treated as people and no different from men.

Here is my view:

• Men should be banned from running for President.
• Men should be banned from being CEOs and directing movies. 
• Men should be forced to say the words "I'm so so sorry for the patriarchy" once per hour.
• In fact, for the next generation or so, men should be forced to live alone in glass cages with nothing but a daily supply of bread and water, wearing collars that give them an electric shock if they fail to intone the ritual apology at the appropriate time.

You think I'm joking. You think these ideas are extreme. You're wrong - these ideas are MILD. You have to consider the context. Women have been brutally oppressed for a hundred thousand years. All I'm asking for is that men sacrifice one generation - a mere speck in comparison! Plus they get to live, albeit naked and writhing in the apology torture cells, safe in the knowledge that although their lives are forfeit, at least their children will get to grow up in a world free from inequality. That's a luxury no woman has EVER had.

So...that's my view on how to achieve justice. But I'm a pragmatist. I realise that while my views are reasonable and restrained, others view them as fringe. No presidential candidate is going to run on a platform of dystopian patriarchy reparations, so I'm going to have to compromise.

What are my alternatives? I have Bernie Sanders, who is the first successful politician of recent decades to actually suggest some good ways to run the country a man, and I have Hilary Clinton, who is an extraordinary example of female strength in a system where everything is stacked against her a woman.

Other teensy factors in my decision:

• Bernie is more radical and has better ideas for making a positive difference although...
• The powers of the President are super limited.
• Bernie is a man.
• Bernie is more likely to lose to a Prince of Darkness Republican. And his presidency would ensure the Spawn of the Netherworld Republicans keep Congress for another 8 years.
• The idea of another old white man winning enrages me so much that I want to pull my corneas off.
• Everything about the response to Hilary's success, the loathing of her out of all proportion to her faults, confirms the fact that the system needs to change and change big.
• Bernie is a man.

Perhaps these points make you think that I like Hilary simply for being a woman. I am happy to confirm this is the case. I am FLABBERGASTED that it wouldn't be the case for everyone.

Is it super stupid and patronising and arguably counter-productive to vote for someone because of their gender? YES.

But this is the person I am: a person so rabid that I would do anything to have a female President. It's the person that a lifetime of living in a horrendously unequal world has made me. The kind of person that I believe is the only reasonable response to the aforementioned hundred thousand years of mind-boggling oppression of half the goddam species.

I would commit the cliche of comparing it to the Third Reich, except for the fact that the patriarchy utterly DWARFS the Third Reich.



I read a really great piece recently that argued that many older feminists feel that Hilary is "entitled" to the Presidency because they've waited so long for it. It said that Bernie's young feminist supporters don't owe Hilary or the old feminists anything.

But for me, Hilary is entitled to the Presidency not because she's worked for it all her life - having to play the horrible game and be way better at it in order to get anywhere - but because she happens to be the only woman running. HUMANITY is entitled to a female president, not just Hilary or older feminists. Humanity is CRAZY ENTITLED. And it's lucky that Hilary is there to fulfil that entitlement.

The left currently adores Bernie for being radical. But Bernie thinks small. Here's the radical scale:



Seriously. Unless I'm wrong, and I am never wrong, they are headed dead into the fire swamp gender equality is THE biggest issue of our times. It ties into every important cultural shift that we need to achieve if we're going to have an awesome society in the future. Having a female President can do so much more good than any well-intentioned candidate ever could. And conversely, NOT having ever had a female President - in 2020 for christ's sake! - is just incredibly harmful towards overall progress.

Joy will be the second greatest emotion I feel when Hilary becomes President. Relief will be the greatest.

The Force Awakens is not a sequel

The Force Awakens' title seems to imply that the Force is something new in the galaxy. But when you wake up, you tend not to be particularly different from when you went to bed. This is a short review with maximum spoilers.

All I can say is that if they had done to any of my fandoms what they did to Star Wars in Episode VII, I'd be cross. I don't think it's a particularly worse film than any of the previous 6, although it does have massive dramatic flaws, but rather for me the huge glaring issue is that it's so similar to them, or at least to Episodes IV through VI. To the point where it's essentially a remake of the original trilogy.

Said trilogy famously made free use of ancient story structures and archetypes. A pure-hearted Chosen One, who leaves their unremarkable home and learns to embrace and control their high-stakes destiny during a series of ever grander adventures guided by characters good and evil. It's the same structure used in hundreds of films. But each one recreates the hero's journey in a particular way, with its own unique take on monomythological tropes. So why did Episode VII feel the need to deploy these tropes in exactly the same way as its predecessors from 40 years ago?

Let us review. For each point below, see if you can tell whether it's referring to the original trilogy or Episode VII:

Villains:

-Main force-wielding villain, wears all black, sinister mask/voice distortion, close family ties to Good characters, was seduced by dark side and is basically totally evil but has some residual goodness. First showed evil by killing younglings.

-Old/withered/white-faced master villain who lurks in shadows, gives instructions via hologram

-Slightly more mundane British Nazi-style villain who is nominally in command of fleet but basically takes orders from villain one

-They operate out of an enormous spherical planet-destroying weapon, protected by shields the resistance can’t penetrate and featuring one single weak spot for easy detonation

-use stormtroopers and TIE-fighters as endless cannon fodder

Good Guys:

-Are rebels, operate out of ramshackle base using desperate guerrilla tactics against more powerful foe

-Are not morally compromised in any way. Unambiguously good.

-Film opens on brave resistance/rebel fighter being captured by villains, but not before s/he sends trusted (and cute) little droid off with Vital Information.

-Hero - grows up scratching a meagre living on desert planet not knowing real parents

-Accidentally comes across/rescues the droid.

-Various action sequences as they attempt to take the Vital Information back to Good Guy HQ

-is mentored by an older fellow who was in the wars/had his heyday back in the previous trilogy

-this older fellow dispenses wise advice and then sacrifices himself, without putting up a fight, to the main villain (who he has a long history with) at a climactic moment near the end

-on the way to find Good Guy HQ, hero encounters:

-roguish/comic/loveable guy in a leather jacket who isn’t technically resistance but is clearly a Good Guy despite past behaviour

-and: stops at a space canteen, where violence eventually ensues

-and: gradually learns that s/he has a powerful connection to the Force; slowly begins to master it

-final showdown with villain ends without clear victory/defeat, paving way for sequel

-on finally reaching Good Guy HQ, heroes go into Act 3 with plan to destroy planet-killing spherical weapon by sending a small team to take down the shields and then hit the weak spot with X-wings. A stressed admiral akbar is there for some reason but no one cares about him.

Also occurring:

-Young beautiful female captured by villains and held on death star; other heroes mount rescue by basically creeping through corridors and shooting loads of stormtroopers

-escape via space hangar

-At one point, heroes are completely cornered/at mercy of a group of minor bad guys, only to have them eaten by giant monsters with teeth/tentacles

-There’s a little shrivelled old alien who is incredibly wise and knows all about the force/the history of the force, guiding the hero towards what s/he Must Do

-the good guys are looking for the last jedi, who has retreated to some remote hiding place that nobody knows: only the Chosen One is able to find them

-The millennium falcon negotiates improbably tight spaces at high speed and appears indestructible, despite being constantly referred to as a piece of junk

A couple of these duplications are fairly minor, like the last one. But most of them are central plot points, structural cornerstones or character traits and motivations, things that are absolutely key to how the story functions and how the audience experiences its drama.

I say again: Episode VII is not a sequel but a remake. It feels like the filmmakers were so terrified about another phantom menace-style backlash that they simply refused to deviate in any respect from the original formula. I was excited in the run up to the film, because I assumed that we would finally get a new story from a decent story-teller set in a universe full of telekinetics - a perfect recipe for success in my book. I was worried that the story we got might turn out to be bad or boring, but it never crossed my mind that we would simply get A New Hope with names swapped around. And remember, A New Hope was already super-derivative.

Most of the reviews of The Force Awakens have been positive, but even among those who disliked the film, complaints have (with good reason) centred around about the very poorly-drawn characters, unearned dramatic beats, relentless/unstructured pacing and - inevitably - the boundless plot holes. In contrast, I'm stunned that so few have focused on the fact that the whole thing is just one giant re-hash.